college dropout.

thinking about academic assignments has been far from my mind this past week.

i am fighting a bit of a cold, and fortunately am feeling much better today that previous days this week. however, due to my ailment, my productivity was greatly decreased.

while in my state of sneezing and blowing my nose and repeating, i had a lot of time to just sit and think and relax. perhaps it was good for the soul.

i have started becoming more intrigued with things that have nothing to do with my present scholastic efforts. i’m reading new york times articles that have to do with social networking. i’m watching youtube videos to learn about present social issues. i’m consulting wikipedia for random factual interpretations of issues like the 1994 genocide in rwanda. i’m blogging about this instead of working on a paper or studying for a quiz i have tomorrow…

it’s crazy, i know. i don’t really want to drop out of college or anything, but rather i just want to stay in a learning institution forever and learn about everything i can about everything.

like i said, crazy.

it feels so good to take time and learn things on your own. i feel so stellar after i’ve looked something up and retained the bit of knowledgeable information, a priceless gem to place in the crown of my intelligence.

absorbing knowledge. such a fascinating concept. almost abstract, really. it’s something i hope to witness in my classroom on a regular basis when i start teaching. i want kids to want to learn. i want them to love to learn.

i suppose this is the part where i wrap up and go learn more about my spanish vocabulary for tomorrow’s quiz..

a great episode of what not to wear.

while doing my spanish homework, i caught a great episode of ‘what not to wear’, one of my favorite shows.

stacy and clinton and their cohorts work sheer magic, people.

as i was watching, it made me think about things i’m really thankful for..aside from a fairly decent fashion sense and clothes that i am able to afford and wear on a daily basis.

i’m a very lucky person. i’m a very blessed person.

i have so so so many absolutely wonderful friends that i have on call to talk to about anything and everything whenever, wherever. my family is awesome. i am able to go to school at the school of my choice (go to hell duke!). my support system is stronger that i could have ever imagined.

God continues to prove faithful.

1 corinthians 15:57 — “but thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ!”

this is a pretty short little post. but i don’t think that there are any other words necessary to express my gratitude for how blessed my life is. thank God and all of my family and friends for making my life what it is, for without you all, my life would be rather bland and pointless.

may i have a cheerwine float, please?

best friends are great, aren’t they?

it feels good coming home and knowing i’ll see some of my best friends that don’t go to school in state anymore. allie got back today and we went to the quiet abode of “cat woman” and watched anchorman after picking up some goods from cookout. it really doesn’t get any better.

while driving and listening to shuffle, we were able to talk about life, love, things of that nature that always seem to intrigue ladies.

“it’s okay to not be totally over him yet — i know it’s been over two months, but you can’t fake being over him to yourself.”

“boys are stupid — why are they so selfish sometimes?!”

“i wanna be guarded, but i suck at being guarded. i just want to not be vulnerable around him anymore.”

“it’s so hard when you want to trust it, but you know you shouldn’t.”

“i just don’t know what to believe, what to do.”

i hate that she’s leaving friday.

i wish i knew what to make of everything going on right now in my life; my emotions are going haywire. memories keep flooding my mind and there is nothing i can do to stop them or get rid of them. i honestly don’t want them to be gone. i just wish i knew what was going on in my head, why it’s going on. it’s annoying not knowing and i hate not knowing, but the one thing i do know is that none of it is in my hands.

sometimes it’s hard trusting God when you want to trust in man.

teddy grahams and apple juice.

i miss you. i really truly feel like i miss you. and if i’m going to be honest here, it drives me crazy.

i am so annoyed with my indecisive emotions. the heart is deceitful above all things.

do i miss you? do i miss our old relationship? these feelings must be fleeting, right? i mean, they come and go at random, when i least expect it.

i know i’ve moved on. i mean, i don’t love you anymore. i can’t love you anymore. i can’t care so much and feel so much anymore. that would be insanity. this keeps me up at night. this permeates my unconsciousness in dreams.

i just..i really want to find someone new, someone to take my mind off of you at least, but not for that sole reason. i just want him to fall from the sky and into my life with the utmost perfection. if only it were that easy, right?

i don’t really know what i feel, how i feel, why i feel the way i do. i think i get confused. well, it’s kind of obvious that i do get that way i suppose.

i need to straighten this out, shape things up, get my mind right, make decisions and stick with them. i need to be stronger. more clear cut, decisive with how i feel. it’s not like i don’t know that i’m better off right now, because i know what happened was for the best. that’s why i’m so confused: i know what happened needed to happen, yet i still long for pieces of what was.

“friends, lovers, or nothing — there can only be one. friends, lovers, or nothing — we’ll never be the in between, so give it up. anything other than ‘yes’ is ‘no’, anything other than stay is go, anything less than i love you is lying.” courtesy of jmayer, “friends, lovers, or nothing” (battle studies)

i just feel like i have so much love, so much of something to give to someone else. i just want to be able to do that again.

reconciliation.

i got the new john mayer cd the other night, despite the fact that it doesn’t drop until tuesday the seventeenth. gotta love the twitter update from john telling all about the leak…most excellent.

i’ve listened to the new album and i personally am really enjoying it thus far throughout  my many  listening experiences. there is a song called “heartbreak warfare” that i found especially intriguing, though.

once you want it to begin, no one ever really wins, it’s heartbreak warfare/if you want more love, why don’t you say so? if you want more love, why don’t you say so?/drop his name, push it in and twist the knife again/watch my face as i pretend to feel no pain, pain, pain/clouds of sulfur in the air, bombs are falling everywhere, it’s heartbreak warfare/once you want it to being, no one ever really wins, it’s heartbreak warfare/if you want more love, why don’t you say so? if you want more love, why don’t you say so? just say so/how come the only way to know how high you get me is to see how far i fall?/god only knows how much i love you if you let me, but i can’t break through at all/it’s a heartbreak/i don’t care if we don’t sleep at all tonight, let’s just fix this whole thing now/i swear to god we’re gonna get it right, if you lay your weapon down…

i love good lyrics. i’m such a sucker for them…well, not just good lyrics, but for john mayer in general.

the last part of that lyric was something i felt like i was really able to identify with last night/into this morning; fixing a problem, getting things right again where they need to be, and laying down weapons of pride and self-interest. it feels so good when two people can just talk about things while having open minds about a situation (or many situations, for that matter).

i’m a person that takes words very seriously and holds them to heart, so when things like the above happen, it’s big.

people get so heated sometimes. it’s natural, really. just instinct i suppose one could say. but what happens when you slow things down and reflect and put thought into your emotions and words? what a change.

conflict seems pretty natural too, doesn’t it? i hate arguing. it gets frustrating when both parties thing that their side is  right, too. i mean honestly, who wants to admit defeat? who wants to say “i’m wrong” in a situation?

sometimes it is just necessary to step back from things in my opinion. time heals all things, right? at least that’s what they say. distance, not just physical, but also emotional, mental, and even verbal, can be good in cases such as this. when allotting a kind of distance, one can realize the extent of the conflict, whether it be great or petty, and one can also make oneself aware of any other feelings that may or may not be floating around the situation. objectivity most certainly is key here, because pointing fingers won’t get anyone anywhere anytime fast.

reconciliation between two persons just takes any looming interpersonal problem that is over your head and it just makes that seemingly ominous cloud of frustration dissipate into nothingness…it’s awesome.

it’s so important finding and returning to a common ground. it makes me really happy knowing that something that was broken was able to be fixed, and hopefully that’s something permanent that won’t need to be repaired again anytime soon.

fin.

it’s done.

 

“i think we just need to not communicate for a while.”

 

i don’t deserve to be treated the way he treated me. he was my friend…at least that’s what i thought. however, friends don’t usually call each other derogatory terms or demean them without reason.

it’s funny how compassion works, isn’t it? i mean it really can be a blessing or a curse. currently for me though it has been erring on a curse with the ex-boyfriend situation.

i worked so incredibly hard to maintain our friendship…but no, not anymore.

i can’t do it.
emotionally, mentally, physically. it’s exhausting.
this form of defeat is certainly something new that i’ve never tasted before.

it’s funny, really — i always had the hardest time emotionally detaching myself from things, from people. this seemed so easy tonight, though. maybe it’s because i had finally reached my breaking point.

i have shed too many tears and spent too much time trying to make something broken whole again.

 

it’s just time for me to stop being emotionally masochistic.

 

emotionally masochistic. i think that’s a good way of putting it. regardless of how he treated me, i was still nice. i still forgave him. i guess i was really hoping that “treat others the way you want to be treated” really was a universal golden rule among people. (call me idealistic, but i still think it is).

i will not tolerate him calling me names, putting me down, making me upset. a real friend doesn’t do that to another friend. truly, it is exhausting going through the stages of being broken down, putting oneself back together, and repeating. absolutely exhausting.

i did what i could to salvage the friendship we had. i tried to maintain a strong and even consistent relationship of sorts between the two of us. i was just so patient, and for what? i can only hope and pray that he grows up and learns from all of this..i know i’m still learning from it.

i’m done.

just studying some geography!

(after heavily making out while dancing) “i’m just gonna stay here, i’m just waiting on this slut.”

…well that’s nice!

 

as stated and made evident before, i want something that isn’t fleeting. i want something meaningful, substantial, and absolutely lovely.

everyone is entitled to choose his or her own path and do whatever he or she wants.

 

i just know along the way of the path that i am taking, good love and i will meet, and it will be glorious.

 

i need to start going to bed earlier.

i feel like i’m kind of over the whole “flirting with every cute guy i meet” thing.

i want something that isn’t fleeting, something that’s going to last past the weekend and into a much longer time span. i think that would possibly qualify as a relationship?

this won’t take too long to think out in my mind, so i can assure you, the reader, will not be spending a tremendous amount of time perusing this.

currently, i am not in a romantic relationship of any kind. i think that this circumstance is for the best right now. i didn’t need to be in that relationship anymore, and though it is still difficult at times, i can honestly say that i’m pretty happy these days.

however, despite the fact that yes, on the whole i am happy, and i’m okay with not being in a romantic relationship at the time, i still got that initial taste of what it’s like to have someone care about you that certain way as in said romantic relationship.

let’s be real here: it is AWESOME when someone reciprocates emotions of similar affections.

once i tasted that sweetness, i really do desire it again. i felt like i was a good significant other with good things to offer him. in reality, i think in the end he would have to agree with that, too. caring and loving and sharing things with him was so effortless for me, i absolutely enjoyed every second of it!

i don’t want to rush into anything, obviously. that would be foolish.

but i just was thinking how pointless careless flirting is right now in my life. i suppose it was fun in high school, but it isn’t really going to get me anywhere now, considering that i want something more, is it?

“girls never marry the men they flirt with.”
…oscar wilde seemed to know his stuff, eh?

just curious.

so, is beer and drinking other various alcoholic substances REALLY that great? i’ve just been wondering.

it’s 5:33pm and i know people drinking, to “pregame” for halloween festivities tonight on franklin street. it’s barely dinner time and you are seriously making valiant attempts at getting drunk? needless to say, these valiant attempts are reaching fulfillment, too.

i honestly never really understood the whole alcohol phenomenon with people my age. i guess i just don’t really get it. do i really have to alter my state of mind dramatically to feel good about myself and have a good time? i really hope not.

i see people walking through the morrison lobby, counting money, having made beer runs for people who are underage. i guess i just don’t get it.

i think there is a great difference between drinking to get drunk and drinking socially, not necessarily getting “drunk” per se. social drinkers, in my eyes, are able to drink responsibly. i’ve felt the buzz one gets from drinking responsibly, and sure, it feels good…but it definitely isn’t necessary in my opinion. why do people drink to get drunk? it’s just stupid. regardless, there is no benefit from getting wasted.

wetting your bed and vomiting all over the place, acting out like a complete idiot, not being able to remember what you did last night…classy, folks.

now i realize and am fully aware that not all people are obnoxious when drunk, but still, why do it? alcohol is a depressant, so why would a person want to consume a depressant to make themselves happy? why can’t people maintain themselves, know their limits? this is one of my biggest pet peeves with alcohol. come on people, know when you need to stop.

i’ve seen bad things happen to people who are drunk. alcohol poisoning, car accidents. i attest that it isn’t a lot of fun holding back your suitemate’s hair while she’s kneeling at the toilet getting ready to throw up when you have a test the next day and it’s already 1am.

honestly, i just really want to know what’s so great about alcohol.

insomniatic rant.

I step into the shower, the water, hot — steaming, nearly scalding — in order to cleanse deeply. I’m looking for something more, that’s why I’m up at 3am. I can’t put my Bible down, for the words beckon me to follow them across and down the thin white pages, still crisp and pressed from recent purchase. I follow the red and black letters wherever they go, turning the page in sweet anticipation.

Stepping out of the shower, I tremble from the lack of hot water running over my body. The air is cold to my wet skin. Wrapping the towel around me, I pull back the shower curtain and walk to the sink. I see myself in the mirror — a red face from the heat of the shower, with redder splotches of imperfection scattered across my face — a clean slate. Locke called this concept “tabula rosa” if I’m not mistaken. I have been cleansed, washed, renewed. What is it I am searching for still?

I brush my teeth while staring into the mirror — not out of vanity, but out of curiosity.

I honestly do not understand how a person cannot believe there is something greater than this world, than himself. The presence of God is everywhere, all-encompassing. How can a person miss it? I admit that it is hard to see the other side of things here considering I have always considered myself a believer, but how does a person without belief essentially and truly justify his thoughts? How did everything we know come into existence without a higher power?

Is what the Bible says true? I think so. Yet, many argue that it was written by men, and in such observation, men are indeed flawed. Yes, I agree. But these words came from God, which He gave to man, to compile into a book of sorts.

I hope I’m not intolerant, closed-minded. I really don’t think I am. I love hearing what people say about God and religion and things of the like. It fascinates me. People themselves fascinate me.

God’s creation fascinates me. Nay, it astounds me and leaves me with inexplicable feelings and a ubiquitous sense of solace. God is just so big, so unfathomably holy, so incomprehensible, which is why I love Him and everything about Him.

That sounds strange, does it not? I love, revere, adore a higher powerful being simply because He is too big for my small, menial mind to imagine…

This mystery leads essentially to question, debate. It is here where I find my faith grow, strengthen, solidify to a more extensive degree. I can try for the rest of my life to completely understand and know God and what He is and why He does what He does, but I’ll never come to a decisively conclusive outcome of these thoughts.

He made the world and everything in it in six days.

He gave man a choice whether or not to follow Him.

He showed Himself to Moses on Mt. Sinai when giving the Ten Commandments to His people.

He sent His Son to die for mankind when none of us deserved it…at all.

There are copious amounts of things that God does that we cannot understand. I know I will never get to a point where every single thing will make sense, but to me, that’s the beauty of it! I know that God has a bigger plan, a bigger picture, not only for me but for everything. It’s so humbling realizing it’s time to take a step back and refocus, challenging ourselves to remember that there are things greater than we are.

The ideas and theories about religion are innumerable. Each one intrigues me in a different manner.

I stare sleepily at inanimate objects like my computer screen. Tiredness is sweeping over me, and I have a Spanish quiz at 8am. I try to remember what it was I was searching for, what it was I was thinking about, as I stepped in and out of the shower twenty minutes ago. Resolution? A sense of peace? More questions?

 

I sit, I ponder, I question. I read, I imagine, I write. However, it is apparent that I do not sleep in these times of ambiguous and sincere thought.