today was such a fulfilling day — not only has a lot of planning gotten done (we’re ahead and it’s amazing), but i can really feel my relationships with the kids getting stronger everyday (yeah i don’t even care if that sounds lame). i truly feel as though just being there everyday has brought me closer to each kid in my classes.

these developing relationships present both pros and cons: for example, it’s awesome seeing the progress of some of these kids. i don’t know one person who would tell me that jumping six reading levels in a SEMESTER isn’t fantastic progress. i mean seriously, that absolutely blows my mind and i love seeing my kids succeed! on the other hand, you really start getting a better look into the lives of some of these kids, and it can be heartbreaking to watch. i wish so badly that i could take one of my kids home because i know he just needs some love. y’all, divorce seriously hurts kids. i’m fortunate enough to have parents who are together so i’ve never been very familiar with single parent households or broken families in that regard, and watching how some of my kids are affected is just so sad.

these kids (well, all kids, really) need hugs. and snacks. and consistency.

today we actually had a new girl join our class! no one knew she was coming, so both students and teachers had a bit of a shock this morning. this little girl (and my goodness is she little!) came straight from ecuador and speaks NO english. none. literally, none. so what does my teacher do? she has me translate some stuff from spanish to english for her and act as a mini-translator for a bit today.

at first i thought there was no way i could do any of that — i’m not fluent! despite this, i somehow was able to manage to assign her homework, explain her homework, and chat with her a bit about school.

if you can’t tell, i already am crazy about this child.

we’re basically teaching her english from square one — hello, goodbye, can i go to the bathroom, stuff like that (you know, the important stuff). i’m really excited to watch a student go from knowing no english to (hopefully!) knowing enough to have a conversation at the end of may. she seems pretty sharp, so i can’t wait to see how she does with the rest of the kids. i actually think i am going to track her progress throughout the semester for one of my education assignments (we have to track a student or two and see if our teaching has a positive effect on their learning — should be pretty cool so long as my teaching does have that positive effect!) and see how she does these next few months. so pumped to be getting a taste of esl teaching right now!

basically what i’m trying to say through all of this is that i love my kids. yes, they are mine. no, i will not share. yes, i will show them off. no, they are not perfect.

but oh, they are so incredibly wonderful.

i have spent hours of my life listening to music. i currently spend hours listening to music. i don’t really know what exactly it is, honestly — i just start listening to a song and then two hours later i realize that i should have been in bed a long time ago.

i really like that there are songs for all occasions, you know? there are happy songs, sad songs, fun songs, dance songs, pensive songs, sing-along songs — do you know what i’m talking about here? examples:

1. happy: “first date” by blink-182
2. sad: “the scientist” by coldplay
3. fun: “how bizarre” by omc
4. dance: “you make me feel…” by cobra starship feat. sabi
5. pensive: “comfortable” by john mayer
6. sing-along: “i want it that way” by the backstreet boys

note: this is a very small sample. there are plenty of other kinds of songs out there, like the ones that are empowering, the ones that make us want to fall in love, the ones that make us want to fall out of love, etc. really, the list is endless and dependent upon the kind of music you like.

isn’t it cool how music makes you feel? it’s mood-altering. i have a good friend who is doing a psychology research project for his senior seminar about music and its affect on someone’s mood. so cool.

anyway, the reason i’m writing this is because i’ve been listening to a lot of old school music lately — by old school, i mean a compilation of a decent amount of 90s music and just a lot of music i’m currently “rediscovering” if you will (which is a completely different thing i love: rediscovering music you haven’t listened to in a long time!).

do you have songs that you could listen to ALL the time? there is most certainly a list of songs i have that i could put on, listen to, and just lie in the middle of the floor thinking about life. i could really just lie there, letting the music flow through me.

i’m a person who thinks a lot. i overanalyze over and over, but this year i haven’t really been so bad about that. i came to that realization today when talking with a friend of mine — i have been uncharacteristically calm this year. i attribute this to prayer and relying on God, but i also like to think that it’s in part because of my release through music — playing music, listening to music, writing music, experiencing music.

it’s 1:33am and i was planning on cleaning my room and going to bed about an hour or two ago. instead, here i sit listening to the beauty that is john mayer and an acoustic guitar (the village sessions album found courtesy of graham dixon, who i believe shares my above thoughts).

and no, my room still isn’t clean.

so from the 44,000 large group, we were split up into community groups (#stripedgreen for life!) of about 5,000 people, and then from there we were split up into family groups. this group of people consisted of about half a dozen people i had never met before, coming from all over the nation and even the world. my family group was the greatest (duh) and i’ve been missing them terribly since leaving georgia! during our family time we were really able to unpack the messages and what we felt God was telling us through our time in the sessions. we prayed together and laughed together and i have this feeling that’s kind of a little piece of heaven in itself. to my sweet striped green family, i love you and miss you and can’t wait until passion 2013!

after returning from passion, i had to get back to the grind of school. when i say this, i don’t just mean taking classes at unc — when i say this, i mean i need to get back to the grind of teaching at school.

i started my full-time student teaching placement this past week in my fourth grade class at carrboro (same kids as last semester, which is so great!). i have to say, it is so much easier being a teacher when you’re at the school everyday! i have an easier time with behavior management, i have an easier time with transitions, i have an easier time with helping students — it’s just great.

sometimes i have these moments where i wonder if i’ll actually be good at this. i guess it’s natural for people to doubt things every now and again, but my second day was one of those days. i had an attitude issue with one of my kids and just couldn’t believe it (which is silly — of course those are going to happen, i just didn’t think it’d be so soon). i thought about all of the work i had to do (and the work i STILL have to do) and questioned whether or not i could do it.

this job is not for the faint of heart. that is one lesson i have learned in a mere week.

throughout all of this though, i have definitely seen triumph and experienced reassurance. it’s been so amazing getting to see progress with some of these students! watching kids jump five reading levels from august to now is just mind blowing. did i mention how awesome some of the conversations are with my students? it’s so cool being able to talk with them about things, especially since they’re starting to form their own opinions and whatnot right now.

as i go to start a new week (that is also a short week thanks to the celebration of mlk jr.’s birthday and a teacher workday the day after) i will definitely be thinking about how i’ll be doing this as my career in less than a year. i need to apply for jobs. i need to write cover letters. i need to fix my resume. i need to take my praxis and graduate and become a real person…

just maybe not exactly in that exact order.

well friends, it’s almost that time of year. time to make resolutions and drink champagne and count backwards from ten: it’s time for a new year.

i really like new year’s, actually. i love the concept of starting over. i know you don’t necessarily have to wait to make resolutions or to start new with something in your life, but i just love how a new year is a literal new beginning.

this new beginning always tends to make me a bit nostalgic, but in a good way. every year around this time, i go through my old yearbooks, old pictures, old notebooks — it’s actually really cool to see where i was compared to where i am now. i actually have these memory boxes legitimately full of notes that were passed in middle school and even HIGH SCHOOL (yes friends, i still passed notes in high school)! there are also just pieces of memories i’ve collected along my way that are really neat to look at (who would have known how many memories a wristband from a conference in high school would bring back?!). there’s something so special about the contents of those boxes and those books for me — it truly shows me that i’m progressing in who i am as a person. i’m not the same person that i was in middle or high school and my desires aren’t the same and there are absolutely crucial parts of my being that have changed since then.

i’m growing older, learning more, becoming an adult –

scary but beautiful. i can deal with that.

let’s do this, 2012 — can’t wait to meet you!

as much as i hate to say it, this year has been a struggle for me when it comes to getting into the christmas spirit.

i’m not sure if it’s been the unseasonably warm weather here in north carolina or what, but i know it just doesn’t quite feel like christmas for me yet (and christmas is tomorrow!).

my family isn’t big on taking pictures (well, my brother hates having pictures taken of him and my mom never likes having her picture taken but always complains about wanting more family pictures), but i’m suuuch a huge fan of pictures! i am always wanting to document everything, so when i’m the only person wanting to photograph things during the holidays, it doesn’t make it as fun.

to top it all off, i still haven’t wrapped my presents (oops?!) — please don’t judge! i’ve been putting off wrapping presents for the last few days and here i am at almost 10pm on christmas eve with a bag full of presents that still need wrapping! i promise i’ll hop on those right away since now i’ve finished my hot chocolate…

i’m hoping christmas music and “it’s a wonderful life” help get me in the mood for christmas!

these last few weeks i’ve been praying over this passion conference in atlanta. for those of you who aren’t familiar, the passion conference is basically a week long conference of worship (which is probably a huge understatement, so i can’t wait to reflect on what that week teaches me) and i am absolutely beside myself with excitement that i’m going to be trekking down there in a couple weeks.

three weeks ago i was given the opportunity to lead worship with a dear friend of mine in durham for a triangle fca huddle leaders gathering (not really sure what else to call it…sorry my words are currently failing me, friends!) at summit. i hadn’t led worship at all since senior year of high school four years ago, so i was pretty pumped to help him out. dad told me that once i did it, i wouldn’t be able to stop and i was going to go nuts, and of course i didn’t really believe him.

i don’t know why i don’t believe my dad when he says stuff like that. the man is always right.

after leading worship that night something in me snapped again. i had this huge realization after i got home that night that i haven’t been leveraging all of my talents for Christ like i know i should. that broke my heart and i just started praying about this conference, asking God to send me to georgia if it was His will.

a day or two later i called my dad and just told him that i needed to go to passion. it had been put on my heart that i needed to go and have a mind-blowing experience and get even deeper in worship — dad agreed. i started praying that i could find a way to get to georgia and that i could find somewhere to stay. a group of my friends were going, but their rooms were full and my church group already had everthing in order and they were maxed out with their capacity.

i was still praying about it and was kind of almost giving up trying to find somewhere to stay — i started thinking about what i’d do that first week of january — maybe i would stop in a teacher friend’s classroom for a day or two or something along those lines.

the other night a friend of mine texted me, asking me if i wanted to go in their group since a girl had just dropped out and they had a bed space open up.

praise. God.

i think it’s the coolest thing to see God working and answering prayers, especially so visibly. to say i’m excited about what God has in store for me at this conference is such an understatement. i know He has great things planned for that week for not only myself and the friends that i am going with, but for everyone there. so many lives will be changed and i am ecstatic about that.

just want to share a little scripture that’s been on my heart lately. i’ve been going through 1 and 2 peter a lot lately, probably because my pastor is working through a sermon series in 1 peter and i’ve been led to continue on into 2 peter. anyway, be encouraged and know that your prayers do not fall on deaf ears, friends!

2 peter 1:3-11

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness. through these He has given us His very great and precious promises, so that through them you  may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. fort his very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. for if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. but if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins. therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. for if you do these things, you will never fall, and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

since i started at unc, there have been memorial services and things of the like every year, the eve carson scholarship was created, and we celebrate eve and her legacy for a week in march every year called “every moment counts.”

honestly, i wish i could have met her. she seems like such an amazing person, and after reading about the incident of her death for nearly four years i can only imagine how wonderful she was. this article in particular sparked my interest:

http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/headlines/2011/12/unc-student-eve-carson-begged-captors-to-pray-with-her-before-they-killed-her-says-murder-trial-witness/

i think it says so much about eve’s character and her relationship with Christ that she wanted to pray with her captors. her whole story really puts things in perspective for me — even though she was in a time of ultimate fear and despair, she still relied on Jesus.

i’m reminded of james 5:13 when i think about her wanting to pray with the men who kidnapped her — “is any one of you in trouble? he should pray.” i can only imagine that she was praying as hard as ever that night, but friends, our prayers do not fall upon deaf ears! as hard as it is, we need to understand that the answers to our prayers are not what we always want them to be. God is in control; He knows what He’s doing.

it kind of takes me back to jason’s accident almost five years ago now. he was a wonderful person who loved the Lord and his life was taken from him for no good reason known to man. even though jason passed away, he and his story were able to save so many people.

despite the great amount of sadness that this brings, eve has not been forgotten, and neither has her faith.

i definitely look forward to meeting her in heaven.

this past tuesday was the last day i will ever have undergraduate classes. ever. it was a surreal feeling, but i have to admit that my emotions were muddled by the free coffee and bagels provided by my professor and the cool lego robotics antics in which my class was taking part. the following day was my last day in my classroom placement for the semester at carrboro elementary, and the kids were kind of freaking out when my cooperating teacher told them that it was my last day until after winter break.

next semester, i’ll be full time student teaching. this entails me getting up at 6am every morning, spending a full day in 4th/5th grade dual language, and then staying after school until things are ready for the next day.

basically, i’m jumping into real life.

as excited as i am, i’m also feeling terrified. i don’t really know if i know enough about magnetism and fractions to be teaching these kids. am i really ready to have the responsibility of teaching 75 kids what they need to know to be successful on their end of grade tests and in their futures?!

it’s really strange realizing all of this — i won’t be on campus next semester, i’ll need to be in bed by like 10pm every night, and i won’t be able to just go grab coffee or lunch with people whenever i want. i can’t skip classes (not that i really did that in the first place, but it’s the principle of the matter) and sick days are non-existent in this program. i’m essentially feeling as though i’m not even a college student anymore.

not to be super nostalgic, but in all seriousness, where did the time go?! everyone i know [not including the lovely ladies in my education cohort] is studying for exams, and i’m sitting here writing unit plans and trying to figure out how i’m going to teach children next semester.

needless to say, i’m definitely hoping and praying that i’ll be able to survive next semester’s early mornings and early bedtimes so that i can give the best of my best to my students!

epilogue: next post will be more upbeat and peppy. yay!

so basically october has been fairly stressful yet rather pleasant. let me explain:

• stressful: unit plans. school of education assignments. planning unc dance marathon elementary school outreach events. meetings.
• pleasant: fall break. lesson plans. teaching. 4th grade. summit. friends. adventures. cooler weather. pinterest.

okay, so maybe pinterest belongs in the stressful list as well since i’ve spent so much time on it just procrastinating…dilemma!

anyway, october has also brought some realizations. a few weeks ago i went to talk to my literacy professor from last year and we were talking about my student teaching placement (which is out of this world amazing) and i shared with her that i came to this grand epiphany about teaching. are you ready for this? here. we. go. my epiphany:

teaching. is. hard.

yeah so that sounds kind of silly to some and i’m sure it sounds very obvious to those who have been teaching for a long time, but that thought really hit me hard after i was working on a word work lesson for my fifth graders. i was sitting in the lobby cutting out letters i had made for the lesson and i realized that that’s the stuff people always see me doing; people see me cutting things out, making pretty letters, writing out worksheets, putting together fun activities for my kids. yes i do all those things, but i do so much more with those things than people see.

it’s hard teaching kids how to read. it’s hard teaching a fourth grader about place value when she has no concept of number sense. it’s hard teaching reading to a fifth grader who is on a third grade reading level. teaching is just…hard.

my professor kind of laughed when i was telling her all of this and she affirmed that she wasn’t laughing at me but rather laughing because she knows exactly what i was talking about. i don’t know how i missed such a huge concept before! teaching is hard but i love it and i wouldn’t want to do anything else with my life right now. that in itself excites me and i’m looking for ways to challenge myself with teaching and education everyday.

another great thing about october that has rocked? this wonderful thing invented by some brilliant person called FALL BREAK.

i stayed in chapel hill for fall break and had probably one of the best times in all my years at carolina. i took my kids on a field trip to the state fair AND went to the state fair with some friends on staff. it was my first time to the state fair, which just seems absurd since apparently i am “so north carolina” (says sean). the state fair was so incredibly amazing and i did indeed feel very “north carolina” which was wonderful. i mean, how could i not?! observe:

also, just so you know, that corn was DELICIOUS. the guy who sold me that corn? NOT delicious.

after i went to the fair with my connor fam, we came back and drank hot apple cider and played apples to apples. it was a roaring good time, as noted below:

i spent the rest of break pretty much watching mad men and cooking, which was so nice. i really had an amazing break and couldn’t have been happier with my decision to stay in chapel hill! i mean let’s be honest, who wouldn’t want to eat s’mores turnovers while watching jon hamm in a suit for hours upon end?

this past week was pretty neat, too — i went to the museum of life and science in durham, nc for my science methods class and it was SUCH A COOL PLACE. no joke, there were lemurs. and i watched a butterfly release. and it was just the best day ever since i got breakfast at parker and otis with monique before going to the museum.

monique and i also road tripped to greensboro for a math teaching conference on thursday. that was…interesting. i had really high hopes for the conference and was kind of disappointed since i was expecting to hear about more practical ways to implement math in the classroom. regardless of this, it was fun spending time with mo and our other #educloves AND my dad met us for lunch. talk about a good day!

i literally can’t believe that october is over already. this semester has absolutely positively flown by! there are plenty of things i’m looking forward to that are still yet to come this semester and this year in general, but right now i think i’m okay with sticking to being pleased with the present.

i’m teaching and i’m taking classes and i’m working and i’m dance marathoning and i’m doing all these other things aside from just being a student. i know this is true of every college student, and i think i can speak on behalf of most of us when i say that it can really catch up to you.

there have been a couple of times this year when i’ve caught myself wanting to do things i know i shouldn’t even try to do.

example: the opportunity came up very early in the semester for me to potentially interview for the overall committee for unc dance marathon. now, i have always wanted to be part of the overall committee since i’ve dedicated my whole college career to the organization, but after a lot of prayerful consideration and conversations with those who know me best, i realized that it would have been absolutely foolish of me to try and be on the overall committee. the time commitment is huge!

another example: i wanted to run for homecoming queen. so i didn’t find out about the homecoming king/queen information sessions until way late, so i couldn’t get a jump start on my application (which was actually pretty intense — two letters of recommendation from within the chapel hill community, an official sealed transcript, a non-refundable $25 application fee — i told you it was pretty intense). despite the fact that i wanted to win so that hispanic families could be benefited through literacy in the chapel hill-carrboro community, i knew that it was just not feasible for me to be in the pit daily campaigning and trying to make cool pictures with graphics to send to all of my friends so they could change their facebook profile pictures in an attempt to publicize my homecoming campaign. i just didn’t (and still don’t) have time for that.

through these seemingly missed opportunities, i’ve realized something: there is nothing that i would ever want to do to compromise my ability to teach my fourth graders at carrboro elementary. spreading myself thin isn’t just a disservice to myself, but more importantly it is a disservice to my students, and they are the last people i ever want to let down. they deserve my best and i deserve theirs, and i can’t expect them to give me 100% if i’m not giving 100%, too.

i’m choosing to look at these passed up opportunities not as missed, but rather as affirmation that i’ve truly found something that i’m wildly passionate about and care more about than anything else that this world could offer.

24 hours in a day? totally do-able.