Showing Appreciation.

Last week, the third grade team put together our bi-monthy newsletter to go home with students. We always have a little “upcoming dates” section in our newsletter, and we realized that next week is Teacher Appreciation Week.

This evening I’ve had the time to sit and think about how grateful I am for the teachers I’ve had in my life. I probably wrote a post similar to this at some point, but I feel like as I draw nearer to the end of my first year in this profession, showing appreciation to those who have taught me means so much more.

I watch this video and feel so much emotion. It reminds me of how much my teachers had an impact on me throughout my education.

Julie was just the coolest professor I think I could have imagined. She’s feisty and always full of love. She taught me about literacy, and how it’s so much more than just reading from a book. She let me babysit her son when he was only weeks old, and I had the absolute honor of reading him what I call baby’s first poems (Billy Collins, so quality). The greatest thing about Julie is that I know she believes in me as not just a teacher, but as a human being, and that means the whole world to me to know that she’s behind me 100%. Thank you.

I attribute my love for writing and my blogging success to Mr. Mace. He always pushed me in Honors English 2 to be the best writer I could be, and thanks to his meticulous comments on all the papers I turned in, I made a perfect score on my writing test in tenth grade (I think you still owe me a steak dinner for that?). I truly felt like I could write whatever was on my mind in that class, and my creativity was always encouraged. Thank you.

History has always fascinated me, but it really latched onto my heart when I took APUSH with Mr. Drake. The class was extremely rigorous in comparison to all of the other high school courses I had taken, but I willingly accepted the challenge (because I’m your classic student/LIFE overachiever — show me the gold stars!). I’ve never been more driven in a high school class, and his extensive readings and DBQ gradings truly helped prepare me for college. What’s even better is that now he’s my neighbor in the Triangle and we’re friends — TEACHER FRIENDS. Thank you.

For a really long time, I wanted to do something science-related with my life. Actually, I think for the majority of my life I always wanted to pursue a career in science. Mrs. Hurley made me love chemistry so much that I didn’t just take her Honors Chemistry class, but I also took AP Chemistry with her, too. The class was hard, but I have some of my favorite high school memories from her class — I don’t think I’ll ever forget the time when I accidentally made something shoot out of a test tube, consequently breaking the test tube. Thank you.

Sanchez taught me what it meant to be a leader. Leadership is a lifestyle, not a title. It’s about what you do, and good enough is neither good nor enough. I spent hours upon hours investing my time into bettering my school, and that taught me a lot about what it means to be a servant leader. I also started watching The Office during my time in Leadership, which has been pretty crucial to my development as a person. Leadership isn’t about speeches and dances and rallying the troops at home football games; it’s about relationships. Thank you.

It wasn’t until middle school when I really started finding my way musically. I took chorus for two years with Mrs. Skeen and really found my passion for music and singing. It was her who got me to try out singing the National Anthem in seventh grade for our basketball games, and almost ten years later I’m still singing the Anthem anywhere I possibly can. She taught me that it’s okay to not be a soprano, and I’ll never forget how affectionately she spoke of us altos — we’re sultry and often the comic relief of the show, so how could people not love us? Thank you.

In 1st grade, the teacher seed was planted. I remember always wanting to pass out papers and help Mrs. Cropper, and I thought she was so pretty with her cute teacher clothes and so nice and just the most wonderful person imaginable. I also remember cutting my hair and making bangs because RJ dared me to…ah, to be young! Mrs. Cropper proved to be a great example of what a teacher should look like in my mind. Thank you.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget anything about fourth grade. I remember my first big crush and having code names for him that changed every month and my teacher dropping those code names in casual class discussions (all the girls freaked out, of course). She would spend afternoons just reading to us, and my favorite book she read was Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl (who soon after became one of my favorite authors of all time). I read that book to my third graders this year, and now we’re reading our third Roald Dahl book — per their request! Math wasn’t my strongest subject, and I remember hating long division. Ms. Siefring actually took time to sit with me at her desk and go through problem by problem on a worksheet — step by step. I taught a remedial group of my fourth graders last year about long division, and it was such a neat experience coming full-circle and sharing my struggles with the topic with my students. Her patience was incomparable and she truly taught me how to problem solve, not just in math but in every aspect of my life. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t know half of what I know about North Carolina history since we did the coolest project about the state. I also wouldn’t know about plagiarism (I still feel awful that I copied and pasted so much on that project — I’m glad I’m aware of the repercussions of poor research!). Thank you.

You know, if I’m being honest I think I could write a book chronicling my experiences with every teacher I ever had. Teachers are so important, and I don’t say that because it’s my current job — I say that because it’s true. They’re invaluable. A teacher is a game changer. Every teacher I had shaped me in some way, and I can look back and see how I have evolved as a learner throughout all these years. I’m so eternally grateful for that.

To my friends and peers who dedicate their lives to living in classrooms and fostering out-of-the-box thinking, thank you. The path you walk is not easy, but know that this is a gift. What you’re doing matters. What you’re doing makes a difference, whether you see it or not. This profession is not one of instant gratification, but rather of lifelong application. Stop for a second and think about why you became a teacher — think about how the teachers you had changed the way you thought about problems or breathed new life into a subject you thought was dead. You have so much power.

So, to all of my teachers and every educator out there — gracias, merci, شكرا, danke, ありがとう, спасибо, gràcies, 감사합니다, obrigado, dziękuję — thank you.

It’s All About the Data.

At least that’s what it seems like.

I swear, I feel like my whole year has been centered more around data than around building relationships with my students. It’s all about how the district is doing and how the school is doing and how my class is doing.

I’ll be honest, statistically speaking my class isn’t doing so hot. Guess that means if I was being paid on merit I wouldn’t be making too much (or I’d probably be fired).

To me, this is absurd. Not because I would probably get fired if I was getting a merit-based paycheck, but because none of this focuses on the students, and they are the reason I chose this profession.

I didn’t want to be a teacher because of the bureaucratic politics or the disengaged (or overly-engaged) parents or the piles of paperwork. I wanted to be a teacher because I wanted to inspire kids to become lifelong learners and to love every minute of it.

Unfortunately, I don’t know how inspiring I am when I have to give my third graders bubble sheets every nine weeks to test their “skills.” Multiple choice tests aren’t even developmentally appropriate for third graders if you asked me, and frankly I care more about whether or not my students fully understand a concept rather than if they can just pick a letter to color in on a scantron sheet.

I want my students to be able to explain to me how Roald Dahl develops his characters in his books, and then compare the characters to one another. I want my students to explain to me step-by-step how they were able to divide 13 brownies between 3 people so that each person gets an equal amount. I want my students to explain to me how the human body works interdependently.

Is any of that going to fit on a bubble sheet?

I just had my reading groups read through a recent TIME For Kids article called “The Future of Testing.” It discusses that their tests will one day be taken on tablets and computers, and not all of the questions will be multiple choice.

I suppose that could be seen as a step in the right direction, but why is everyone so focused on all of this data?!

Yes, data can guide instruction, and that’s great. I want to know what my kids are struggling with so I can create engaging lessons that will meet their needs, and I see how this data does that, but everyone just seems so concerned with data that they don’t care about progress.

For my class, progress is a pretty big deal. One-third of my students do not speak English as their first language, and all of those students came to me reading below grade level. Another one-third of my students come from difficult home situations and have outside hindrances affecting their education, and they came to me reading below grade level, too. The final one-third of my students came to me reading on or above grade level.

So what’s a teacher supposed to do? I work hard and I’m a good teacher, but my students aren’t performing. Am I supposed to work a miracle and take a child reading on a first grade reading level and get him on a fourth grade reading level by June? Is that even possible? No wonder teachers and administrators cheat! Look at Atlanta — how sad it is to hear about so many educators fudging numbers so they can look better. And how about the alleged test scandals during Rhee’s administration as chancellor of DC Public Schools?

I can personally say that this strong push with data has hurt my self-esteem as a new teacher. I look at my data and see red and orange and I see failure on my part as a teacher. I see that I’m not doing my job well enough to get these kids to where they need to be.

Is that what we want? Do we want to be so focused on merit-based pay and good numbers and more tests that we crush the spirits of bright-eyed new teachers and demean the job of educator to pencil sharpener and paper-passer-outer?

To be honest, I’m tired of hearing the word data — I want to hear people talking progress.

I have a student whose first year in the United States is this year. She came in speaking very little English and was only reading 13 words per minute with 65% accuracy. I progress monitored her last week, and now she’s reading 65 words per minute with 98% accuracy. How hard she’s worked and how far she’s come since September! Unfortunately, that doesn’t get to go on her report card.

All of my students have made some kind of progress since they came to me in August. Each one of my students is a higher reader now than they were at the beginning of the year. They can do multiplication and fractions and they know about plants and the human body — they’ve been incredible! It just breaks my heart that I have to quantify their achievements with a number that isn’t a true indicator of their progress as a learner.

As my first year of teaching begins to close and the End of Grade tests draw near, I can’t help but contemplate these things. My hope is that as teachers, we’re able to come together to encourage one another in our endeavors so that we do not become faint of heart — this is a battle worth fighting.

Non-Stop.

Well, the first quarter of this school year is officially over. Report cards go home next week and we’re starting with new standards tomorrow. I’ve worked incredibly hard this past semester and I’ve spent a lot of time planning and grading and planning even more, and I can honestly say that I am exhausted.

This past week was kind of crazy — it was a short week since there was a teacher workday on Friday, plus our principal left us for another school, and the kids seemed just a little off with their behavior.

Even though students weren’t in the building on Friday, I still was at school from 7:30am until 5pm, and I worked the majority of that time (I admit, there was a good thirty or forty minutes during the afternoon when the teacher who had her baby came back — WITH HER BABY — for a little visit) on organizing, cleaning, data synthesizing, professionally developing, and planning. When I left school, all I could think about was how tired I felt, how cloudy everything seemed. Upon further reflection of my sleepy state, I have come to the conclusion that I feel as though I have hit a wall.

I need a break.

Now, don’t get me wrong — I love my job and I love my kids. I enjoy going to work. I like the people with whom I work. I don’t even really mind planning that much. What’s getting me is the fact that I have been going non-stop since Labor Day. I haven’t had one break since then, and let’s be serious, the weekend is never enough time to recuperate from long weeks of teaching.

I’m sure there are many of you reading this thinking, “Well what’s the big deal? I haven’t had a break from work since Labor Day either, so what?”

Well, let me tell you.

First of all, I bet you don’t have to take much work home. I have a class full of 25 eight-year-olds and I give them homework and other assignments throughout the week. If I spend even just five minutes grading each of their assignments, that’s over two hours of extra work I have to do at home or some time after school on top of getting things ready for the next day. And that’s just for grading ONE assignment! Someone said to another teacher friend of mine that teachers “bring this upon themselves” because we “wait to grade papers.” If you have a brain, you can see that this is not the case.

Secondly, I bet you aren’t having to explain complex concepts to children. I’m sure you know your multiplication facts and how to find the main idea of a text, but you couldn’t do that when you were a child without having someone break it down and teach it to you. As adults, we know a bunch of short cuts for how to do so many things but we forget that we had to first learn the foundational skills to get us to where we are. This is my job.

Thirdly, I bet you get a lunch break, or any other kind of break, during your work day. I spend a total of maybe 30-40 minutes during my eight hour school day to myself, and even then it isn’t really to myself! I spend my lunch with third graders, followed by recess. I think I’ve finished my lunch a total of two times this whole quarter. My whole “period” that I have to myself is filled with making copies or getting things ready for the afternoon.

Friends, I am just in dire need of a recharge. As I’ve said so many times before, this job is incredibly taxing. I’m working really hard on maintaining a balance in my life with school and everything else, and I honestly think it’s working. It’s like I feel extra good playing guitar or running now. A dear friend of mine is coming to town from London at the end of this week and I’ve got my 5K to look forward to, and I think a combination of those things will help push me through this week. I’m definitely still pressing on and am grateful for all of the fantastic support in my life, and I know things will get easier once report cards are over and November hits (because let’s be serious, there’s only one full week of school in November and that is AWESOME).

I work hard so I can be my best. Actually, I blame my dad for passing on his hardworking, dedicated genes to me because I know they’ve partly made me a workaholic. I wanted to be a teacher so I could instill change in the lives of children so that they could ultimately have something better for themselves — this is why I do what I do. I know I chose this career, but sometimes I just really think this career chose me.

Here’s to a marvelous Monday coming our way tomorrow!

NC Teacher: “I Quit”

NC Teacher: “I Quit”.

Such a moving commentary from a North Carolina public school teacher. Breaks my heart, but I have to say that it also makes me want to figure out what changes need to be made to start implementing them now. Teacher retention in the state of North Carolina used to be something that I would think was fairly decent, especially with programs like Teaching Fellows and Prospective Teacher Scholarship-Loans. These programs kept good teachers in North Carolina for some period of time, but now that the funding is gone for those programs, I’m sure we will see a serious drop in the number of good teachers in this state.

What makes me sad is that I can identify with this letter in so many ways. I know what it feels like to be unsupported, to be a test administrator, to physically feel the effects of my job.

There needs to be accountability. The leaders of our schools and districts need to open their eyes and see what’s going on in our classrooms. Where are the people who want to make public education a successful pathway for students?

Friends, we need to be bold and stand up for the injustices in our public education system, especially here in the state of North Carolina.

Click!

So today I taught my class how to write an interesting beginning to a narrative. In case you couldn’t guess by my love for extensive lexicon and regular blogging for the last six years, I LOVE teaching writing. It’s hands down my all-time favorite thing to teach, so you can imagine I was pretty excited. When we discussed interesting ways to start a narrative, one of the ways I introduced was starting it off with a sound (hence this blog’s title). “Click!” represents a beautiful thing: it’s the sound of a lightbulb going off when a kid gets something.

Today, my kids were so excited about writing. My group is pretty good with literacy as a whole, and it’s an absolutely magical thing to see them do read to self or write (either independently OR with a partner!). What was different about today though was that I actually felt like I was teaching them something — and what’s more is that they were excited about what I was teaching! We had a really great time coming up with fun sounds to open a scary narrative.

During math, we were continuing our practice with subtraction through story problems. I really like opening up the lesson with a story problem on the board so the kids can copy it down in their math journals. We reviewed our story problem chant (SO FUN) and did mad work on those story problems. The kids who felt comfortable got to write some story problems and then swap and share, and they got to practice some good CGI (cognitively guided instruction) problems that I printed onto slips of paper. The kids who felt like they needed a little more subtraction love stayed on the carpet and we did another story problem together like at the beginning of the lesson. It was so neat watching the kids filter themselves into the activity that they felt ready for — I’m really hoping to do more of this as time progresses (and by “as time progresses” I mean next week) because I think it’s beneficial for the kids to get small group time with me as well as small group time to work independently or with a partner. There’s so much to learn from others!

Melanie told me that a few of my kids who go to her room at dismissal were doing the story problem chant and teaching it to some of the other kids. Can we just talk about how HAPPY this made me?

I AM TEACHING THEM SOMETHING. THEY KNOW THE STORY PROBLEM CHANT. SUCCESS.

One of my students even wrote it down for Melanie — how cool is that? I mean these kids were singing and doing the hand motions and everything!

Another one of my students gave me a card this morning in this hot pink envelope. I decided to wait to open it until the kids left for the day, and when I opened it I almost cried. Its contents:

Miss Stewart,
You are the best teacher with me. I wish I will be a teacher one day. I love you so much that I want you to tell me more about math.
From, CS

CS, I want to tell you EVERYTHING I KNOW about math! Unfortunately that isn’t too much, but it’s better than nothing!

Also, one of my students was in the bathroom crying at after school yesterday because he missed me.

<3

(sigh) Aren’t kids the sweetest sometimes? They are so good at showing you that they love you, and the least I can do is show them how much I love them by teaching them all I know!

I finally feel like they’re retaining the things that I’m teaching. During corrective instruction time in the afternoons when all the teachers switch kids and have smaller groups, I can feel that I’m getting through to some kids. I also feel like the kids from my class are kicking butt and taking names in the other classes (well, for the most part).

Overall today was pretty good — things are starting to click for the kiddos and I’m getting even more confident with every single day. Here’s to hoping this keeps up!

Harsh Truths.

I think I’ve alluded to this in previous posts, but it’s worth reiterating: there are some very difficult realities to face as a teacher.

It’s only Tuesday and I’ve had a girl suspended, a boy write me an alarming note about his self-esteem, and made contact with five families for behavior. I have a student who racially slurred and threatened another one of my students, I’ve seen bullying in and out of my class, and I’ve got kids who just won’t do their work. Their motivation is low and their desire to be perceived as “cool” is high. I asked one kid today what was going on with him and he told me that his mom loves her boyfriend more than him. Isn’t that heartbreaking?

My eyes have truly been opened to so much, especially these last couple weeks when everyone’s true colors started to show. I’m keeping notes in an anecdotal behavior journal (future teachers: DO THIS, it will be SO HELPFUL to you in the long run!) and am trying some new interventions this week. This is good, but I have to ask myself if it’s enough.

I know I’m doing the best that I can with what I have, but it is so hard for me knowing that some of my kids don’t have a home to go to after school. It makes me so sad knowing that some of them have no academic support at home (who in this beautiful world would ever call their child dumb? I mean seriously, who would do that?). I really think a little piece of me dies inside when I know that one of my kids isn’t being loved and respected at home.

I might only have 23 students in my class, but I feel for the whole third grade here — I feel responsible for their learning as well, because the other three teachers and I are working in such close collaboration that I feel like their kids are my kids, too.

Needless to say, the last six weeks and counting have been very eye-opening, and it’s very easy for me to say that I’ve learned more since school started than I have learned in my four years at UNC.

Seriously.

So. Much. Learning.

I’m taking some things that were taught to me in the past and modifying them for my group of kids, but I was never really taught how to handle a racist child who has anger outbursts and unsupportive parents. I was never really taught how to handle a child who wants to die. I was never really taught what to do when a child blatantly disobeys you when you don’t have a lot of disciplinary support.

I feel like a lot of people will read this and feel bad and think that I’m just having the worst time teaching, and that’s the complete opposite of what I want you to get out of reading this. I want you to know that there are so many challenges that I never really thought I’d face, but I also want you to know that these problems are the reasons I’m doing what I do. I couldn’t imagine just leaving this school because it’s harder — what would those kids do if I left them? Actually, what would I do if I left them?

These realities honestly keep me motivated to do my best teaching. Even though there are moments when my heart hurts for these kids, the desire I have to push them toward something greater always overpowers the negativity.

An Important Thing to Remember.

It’s Sunday evening and I’ve had the most productive afternoon. I’ve written my math lesson plan for the week (my team and I collaborate so that each of us only have to write one math plan per week — so nice!), gotten my homework ready, and sketched out my tentative week. I’m feeling good about the week to come and most of all, I’m feeling prepared.

Upon finishing my long to-do list for school things today, I realized something: it’s Sunday and I’m very productive. Why and how is this so?

I decided that I’m so effective in my planning on Sundays because I’ve taken time for myself over the weekend. I’ve gotten a lot of sleep, filled myself up at church, gone on a run or two, watched some TV or a movie, seen friends, treated myself to some shopping — all of these things were for ME, not for school. I didn’t even think about school while I did these things.

One of the things that I will never forget from my time in the School of Education was my professors always talking about taking time for myself. They talked about how important it was for teachers to do this on a regular basis, and I understood that concept while I was in school, but I’ve quickly realized that this is much harder to practice once actually teaching. By yourself. In your own classroom.

It’s been very obvious that I have become consumed with this job, and it’s sadly taken away from my personal life. I’ve only just recently started integrating normal people activities into my life — I’m trying to run after school to prep for my 5K in November, I’m trying to get dinner with people or see people during the week.

This is not easy.

What makes this hard is my perfectionist attitude and the fact that I have to use what happened the previous day during class to structure the next day’s instruction. Teaching is a constantly reflective practice.

Now that I’ve come to the realization that I really do need to take better care of myself during the week, I am really going to make more of an effort to do so. I will leave by 5:30pm every night, I will run at least three days during the week, and I will watch Parks and Recreation on Thursday night.

These might be baby steps, but I think they’ll help ensure my students that their teacher can be her best for them since she’s taking care of herself so that she can ultimately take care of them.

Making Progress.

Another week has passed, and more experience with these kids has given me more perspective. We’re making progress.

We’ve still got a bit of a chatting problem, but it could be worse. I decided to make my pom pom jar a weekly incentive, so if they can fill up the jar by Friday morning, they get free time that afternoon. However, if their work isn’t completed or if they don’t fill up the jar, they don’t get that Fun Friday free time incentive. I think it will work, and I’m hoping with last week’s implementation of it they’ll get the picture. Only about half of my class got that free time on Friday, so I’m really hoping the other half will kick it into high gear so that they can participate, too.

Student behavior is such a fascinating aspect to this job. It’s also plays a huge role in effectively managing your classroom. To all you pre-service teachers out there, nothing you learn in college will help you with this.

Nothing.

I paid attention in all of my classes and did most of the readings (just being honest here, I didn’t do every single one) and had experience in three different schools and four elementary grade levels. I was in schools with great diversity and very little diversity. I witnessed the implementation of PBIS programs. I asked multiple teacher friends about their management styles and what worked for them. Despite all of this, there is absolutely nothing like the actual experience of handling a child who has tantrums on a regular basis or who likes to disrupt class for fun or who cries over any and everything simply for attention.

The whole teaching profession is a learning experience. I learn while I’m teaching and that’s why I reflect. I probably reflect too much, but then again I don’t really know if that’s possible when you’re a teacher.

I came to the Durham Public Library today to get some books for science next week and to just get a little change of scenery for planning purposes. Needless to say it’s been highly effective.

I’ve gotten a lot of work done here this afternoon, from sketching out this week’s math and science plans to filling out my anecdotal behavior journal. Reliving those crazy experiences from last week was quite the experience — I had a child who literally BIT A SWING at recess because she was mad at it.

What?

It gets difficult sometimes looking back on those anecdotal notes — how the heck am I supposed to deal with this behavior? What am I supposed to do if I see a child who is flying red flags for being autistic? There’s so much paperwork that I have to do to deal with these situations, and I can only hope that all the paperwork actually gets these kids the help that they need.

Even though filling out the behavior journal caused me a bit of a headache, I got to stop and think about how many wonderful things happened this week.

I started sending positive behavior notes home with students last week. I sent one home with one of my little boys and he came back to school the next day and told me that the note made his parents so happy, that he got to go to the Dollar Tree with his grandpa.

SO CUTE.

This same child was kind of upset on Friday at the end of the day — he was walking around with his hood on, just kind of moping around the class while everyone was packing up. I asked him what was wrong and he told me that he thought he had a good day, but he was sad that I was so impressed with another group of students from a different class who did science with us that day. I reminded him that just because I tell other kids they do well doesn’t mean that he doesn’t do well, too! I sent another positive note home with him (because it was so obvious how much it changed his behavior earlier that week) and stopped him in the hallway before he left for his bus. I told him how proud I am of him and how he is doing such a great job with everything — I mean, this kid is a rounding EXPERT, y’all — and that I showed his writing journal to some other teachers because I thought his writing was so awesome. The whole time I was saying this to him, this silent smile came on his face.

This child beamed.

He gave me a big hug when he was leaving and we pinky promised that we would have an even better week next week, if that was even possible.

This student also made me a picture during free time — it was a picture of the two of us, and it said “My favorite teacher Miss Stewart.”

SO CUTE. AGAIN.

I really love them. For every challenge that’s presented, it makes me love them more. These kids don’t know it, but they’re making me a better teacher by the day.

Pausing to Reflect.

I am fully aware that teaching has its good days and its not as good days and some days that are just flat out terrible. I also know that as a teacher, one needs to be reflective and thoughtful whilst lesson planning and getting ready for activities so the needs of all the children are met. I like to think of myself as patient and extremely reflective (hello, I’ve been blogging since like eighth grade), but today I feel as though I’m at a completely new level of reflectiveness.

Today was crazy.

I think the whole tone for my day was set after there one of my students had a MASSIVE breakdown after reading. The time came to transition from reading to writing during our literacy block, and this girl would not stop reading. We had this problem yesterday, and both times I told her that she could finish her chapter/page and put the book in her desk. After continually getting the book out of her desk to read it, I told her if I couldn’t trust her to keep it in her desk during other lessons, then I would have to take it and put it in her backpack so it wouldn’t distract her. She complied again, but minutes later had the book out. I told her I needed to take the book and friends, this child had a FIT. She’s a student who you can reason with, and I told her how much I appreciated her love of reading and that all her reading would help her write great stories (she wants to be an author when she grows up), and reminded her that reading helps us become better writers and that writing helps us become better readers. I finally got the book in my hands and she literally played tug-of-war with me and this book.

I mean, I couldn’t just let her keep the book and keep being disrespectful and reading — if I did, my power and control of the classroom would amount to nothing.

After taking the book, I told her she could either write in her writing journal or write me a behavior reflection. She chose “origami” (didn’t know I gave that option…OH WAIT), so I told her she could write a behavior reflection for me. She crumpled the paper up as I walked back to the hallway to finish doing another reading assessment.

I couldn’t get through my assessment because she was causing a scene and distracting others in the room, and I thank GOD that someone from the office turned onto our hallway. Our glorious data manager took the student out of the room and spoke with her down the hallway, and some of the things I heard this eight-year-old say almost made me punch the cinderblock wall.

“Don’t treat me like one of those underprivileged African-American students!”

While I was giving my reading assessment I almost dropped my laptop. What CHILD says that? What person says that in general? What child says such inappropriate and hurtful things about people?

The student returned to my class after having a chat with the data manager, and she seemed fine up until the afternoon after lunch and recess and such. She complained about being tired and refused to do our social studies work. The fire drill didn’t help her, either. Her folders fell off her desk and her water bottle broke, and all hell broke loose. This outburst was a little more violent than this morning’s — kicking the door, screaming, inconsolable. She was yelling about how much she hates the school and how she wants to go home, etc.

I’ve never worked with a student like this before. I have never interacted with a child in the way I did with this student today. It definitely left me with a strange feeling.

I also had two boys get into a fight at recess, and I have a perpetual cry-er who cries DAILY to try to get her way. I’m happy to say I win all of those battles.

Regardless, how am I supposed to carry on through my day teaching when I have a student like this? I’m glad our data manager was in the hallway, or else I would have called the office for support — but that’s just the thing. I don’t have any support in my room during the day unless it’s pre-scheduled, and it usually isn’t for the longest period of time.

I truly took TAs for granted when I student taught in Chapel Hill-Carrboro City Schools the last two years. I knew they were fabulous and helpful, but I didn’t know HOW extremely fabulous and helpful until I was the one doing the bulletin boards by myself and stuffing take home folders regularly. I can’t leave my class for a moment unless someone is in there, and it’s so hard to do that this year with support coming in for twenty minutes in the mornings and maybe an hour later in the day.

Even though I feel incredibly supported by other teachers and my administration (as well as my stellar friends and family, to whom I owe so much), I still feel as though I’m really struggling to be comfortable with the fact that there isn’t physical support in my room constantly.

Teaching is SO hard. To my friends who aren’t teachers, please know that this job is so taxing, so life-consuming.

How am I supposed to differentiate with my kids right now? I’m doing whole group instruction all the time and I already see the kids who need additional assistance. Am I just supposed to let them slide right now? How do I keep teaching when I have a student crying (literally, crying tears) because she doesn’t “feel like doing math today” and continues to just cry for attention? How the heck am I supposed to go to the freaking bathroom?

The hardest thing for me these last two weeks has easily been knowing that I haven’t been meeting the needs of every single student in my room. It truly breaks my heart knowing that I can’t sit down with small groups of them and work through place value when I know they’re getting lost during our whole group instruction time.

I am so saddened that I can’t be in 22 places at once.

It has also been really hard dealing with this little talking problem we seem to have. I’ve tried numerous methods to keep them quiet, but today it was as though it was impossible. I have a noise level meter with a clip to remind them of the appropriate voice level for a given activity. I put pom poms in our pom pom jar when we can work silently for a set time. I’m a positive behavior reinforcer to the core. We made classroom expectations together for various times of our day — today our expectation list was for “What To Do When the Teacher Talks.” It’s like they come up with all the right answers but don’t want to follow through with them. I remind them of these expectations regularly. In all seriousness teacher friends out there, what should I do?

I know it’s the beginning of the year and we’re still getting into the swing of things, and I know my kids just came off of a long weekend away from school. Despite this, I still want to maintain control of my room.

My biggest fear is that I will lose control — if I can’t control the talking or the behaviors that keep reoccurring, then I’m going to lose my authority and power in the classroom. I’m so scared that the kids will see me as someone who they can control, and I don’t want that. This is the reason I am trying desperately to not let anything slide with these kids.

After school today I felt very upset. Not like a tear-filled upset, but a frustrated upset. Like a “how can I fix this” upset. Normally, my emotions dictate so many of my thoughts, but I have felt extremely clear-minded when it comes to my job, which is to teach children. I didn’t feel like crying this afternoon because my kids were crazy and I don’t know what else to try — rather, I felt so upset that we didn’t have a day of good learning happen today. I was upset that I didn’t handle things as effectively and efficiently as I would have initially liked. I felt so frustrated because I felt like I had failed them today.

My mind has been reeling since 4pm.

I want to try everything I know to help these kids. I want to give them the best education possible. I won’t stop trying to figure out how I can alleviate our class problems, and honestly, I won’t stop being hard on them for misbehavior. I want these kids to know I care about them, and yes, I have high expectations for them, but that’s only because I love them and I want them to succeed in anything they do. I know these kids are just eight- and nine-years-old, but I think they’re capable of grasping something like that.

I keep asking myself how I can make tomorrow a little bit better, because I have this driving desire to make it better not for myself, but for them.

I knew this job would be challenging, and I willingly accept those challenges with open arms. Even though I’m frustrated and upset, I know this is a stepping stone to a greater understanding of teaching and children, and I long for that. Nothing will stop me from giving my best so that they can be at their best.

The First Week.

Dear friends, I made it through my first week of being a teacher.

On my own.

All by myself.

In DURHAM.

I’m feeling pretty good about this. My kids are awesome, hilarious, and hard workers (I wanted to cry tears of sheer joy when we spent a solid 20 minutes just WRITING SILENTLY in our journals on Friday). We have a little bit of a problem with talking when the teacher is talking and getting too loud when we get to talk, but I think that will be alleviated once our schedule starts getting more structured, which is next week. I had this kind of open time after lunch/recess/Connect (that’s what Parkwood calls their specials classes like music and art — I’m still having a hard time with that) in the afternoons, but I’m going to start teaching social studies during that time next week.

I think the hardest part for me was how long my days were — I was at school until 7pm or 7:30pm every night, and that really took a toll on me. Actually, it took such a toll on me that I got sick. Then, since I was sick, I was getting tired a lot faster and I couldn’t really breathe out of my nose and my read alouds sounded horrendous (I’m so embarrassed, Julie Justice). Despite my ailment, I pushed through as best I could.

Thursday evening after school I was really starting to feel bad, so I was extra excited to go home, but my vehicle decided that it’d be a good time to NOT START. Melanie had to take me home and she brought me to school the next day (and we hit up Dunkin Donuts for our Friday ritual — it really worked out rather nicely). Fortunately, dad was coming through Durham from Richmond and was able to get it to the garage for me, so then Brian took me home and here I sit in my apartment — sick and carless until next week.

The added stressors of being sick and not having a working vehicle really weighed me down, but ultimately as far as school and my students are concerned, I couldn’t be more excited. I’ve got some really neat kids (and by neat I mean I will have fabulous stories to share) and am getting pumped about the curriculum (nerd problems)! My third grade team is amazing (shout outs to Melanie, Elizabeth, and Jewel — you ladies are the best!) and I think once we get into the swing of things with planning, life will get a lot easier and my days will get shorter.

There were so many highlights to this week — one of my kids made me a “get well soon” card since she knew I was sick. I have the best time when I’m talking with them, especially in one-on-one situations. Sometimes I really feel like I’m making a difference in their lives, or at least I feel like I have the potential to do so. That is just the most incredible feeling ever, right up there with seeing kids do something you taught them or show that they remember things from the days before. Talk about satisfaction.

I’m really glad I have this long weekend to recover from this cold or whatever I have, because I’m more than ready to be back at 100% for next week. We’re talking about maps, asking and answering questions while reading, how to choose “just right” books, and place value. I want them to realize how powerful it is to learn, and I think that’s definitely do-able.