insomniatic rant.

I step into the shower, the water, hot — steaming, nearly scalding — in order to cleanse deeply. I’m looking for something more, that’s why I’m up at 3am. I can’t put my Bible down, for the words beckon me to follow them across and down the thin white pages, still crisp and pressed from recent purchase. I follow the red and black letters wherever they go, turning the page in sweet anticipation.

Stepping out of the shower, I tremble from the lack of hot water running over my body. The air is cold to my wet skin. Wrapping the towel around me, I pull back the shower curtain and walk to the sink. I see myself in the mirror — a red face from the heat of the shower, with redder splotches of imperfection scattered across my face — a clean slate. Locke called this concept “tabula rosa” if I’m not mistaken. I have been cleansed, washed, renewed. What is it I am searching for still?

I brush my teeth while staring into the mirror — not out of vanity, but out of curiosity.

I honestly do not understand how a person cannot believe there is something greater than this world, than himself. The presence of God is everywhere, all-encompassing. How can a person miss it? I admit that it is hard to see the other side of things here considering I have always considered myself a believer, but how does a person without belief essentially and truly justify his thoughts? How did everything we know come into existence without a higher power?

Is what the Bible says true? I think so. Yet, many argue that it was written by men, and in such observation, men are indeed flawed. Yes, I agree. But these words came from God, which He gave to man, to compile into a book of sorts.

I hope I’m not intolerant, closed-minded. I really don’t think I am. I love hearing what people say about God and religion and things of the like. It fascinates me. People themselves fascinate me.

God’s creation fascinates me. Nay, it astounds me and leaves me with inexplicable feelings and a ubiquitous sense of solace. God is just so big, so unfathomably holy, so incomprehensible, which is why I love Him and everything about Him.

That sounds strange, does it not? I love, revere, adore a higher powerful being simply because He is too big for my small, menial mind to imagine…

This mystery leads essentially to question, debate. It is here where I find my faith grow, strengthen, solidify to a more extensive degree. I can try for the rest of my life to completely understand and know God and what He is and why He does what He does, but I’ll never come to a decisively conclusive outcome of these thoughts.

He made the world and everything in it in six days.

He gave man a choice whether or not to follow Him.

He showed Himself to Moses on Mt. Sinai when giving the Ten Commandments to His people.

He sent His Son to die for mankind when none of us deserved it…at all.

There are copious amounts of things that God does that we cannot understand. I know I will never get to a point where every single thing will make sense, but to me, that’s the beauty of it! I know that God has a bigger plan, a bigger picture, not only for me but for everything. It’s so humbling realizing it’s time to take a step back and refocus, challenging ourselves to remember that there are things greater than we are.

The ideas and theories about religion are innumerable. Each one intrigues me in a different manner.

I stare sleepily at inanimate objects like my computer screen. Tiredness is sweeping over me, and I have a Spanish quiz at 8am. I try to remember what it was I was searching for, what it was I was thinking about, as I stepped in and out of the shower twenty minutes ago. Resolution? A sense of peace? More questions?


I sit, I ponder, I question. I read, I imagine, I write. However, it is apparent that I do not sleep in these times of ambiguous and sincere thought.


2 thoughts on “insomniatic rant.

  1. sometimes it those who do not believe that have the most faith. It takes more faith to believe in nothing than to believe in something. but it does not mean that don’t have belief or faith. they just have it in something else. Science is their more than this world. Reason is their more than themselves. sadly. but sometimes I sit back and think it’s not Science or God, Reason or faith, Jesus or Mohammhed. It’s both. God is a grey area. and I think He might like it that way. 🙂

  2. Hello, Brian and Allison. I mostly want to ask Brian some questions about his response. I have read your entry, though, Allison.

    Brian, will you explain what it is you mean by “Science is their more than this world. Reason is their more than themselves”?

    Also, why do you think that nonbelievers somehow believe in “nothing”? Admitting that you don’t believe in the Christian God is not also saying that you don’t believe in any other God or that you believe in “nothing”. If you said that you didn’t believe in Allah or Thor, should I assume that you therefore believe in “nothing”?

    Do you believe in Santa Claus or ghosts or fairies? Does it require more faith for you to say that they don’t exist than to say they do?

    Basically, it’s about evidence, reason, and probablity. Is it reasonable, is it probable and is it backed by evidence? If not, reject it until one or all of those are met.

    “I sit back and think it’s not Science or God, Reason or faith, Jesus or Mohammhed. It’s both. God is a grey area. and I think He might like it that way.”

    – I am clueless as to what you mean here.

    Thanks, Brian. Thanks, Allison.

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